Stalker-Senpai
by Sixty Teacups
Summary: It was such a stupid reason to fall in love with someone...I grabbed the book for him, handing it over with a blank expression. He returned my gesture with such a wide and sincere smile that my heart reached incredible speeds that I didn't know were possible. His cheeks were a little red from what I assumed was embarrassment and I suddenly found it very hard to swallow -reversalAU-
1. Chapter 1

It was such a stupid reason to fall in love with someone. He had been struggling to reach a high up book on a shelf, wobbling slightly on his tiptoes for a few brief moments before I decided to intervene. I grabbed the book for him, handing it over with a blank expression. He returned my gesture with such a wide and sincere smile that my heart reached incredible speeds that I didn't know were possible. His cheeks were a little red from what I assumed was embarrassment and I suddenly found it very hard to swallow. He thanked me for my help and scampered off, my eyes following his tiny form and forcing my feet not to follow as well.

All he did was smile and show me his gratitude for a small favor and I was turned into a hopeless, lovelorn fool.

I was very quick to notice that he was in the library as often as I was after our minuscule interaction. He was reading a new book almost every day. Either he had a short attention span and was constantly switching what he was reading or he had enough time on his hands to speed-read the variety of novels he went through. It was hard to keep up. I wanted to read all the books that he had read as a way to sort of get to know him better. It somehow just made me feel closer to him. I was particularly ecstatic to learn from my book-stalking that his name was Onodera Ritsu. We sat at different tables, but I always kept him in my sights.

I loved seeing his reactions to what he was reading. At times I'd hear a small chuckle leave him or see him purse his lips in thought or even see him rub at his eyes insistently to hide the fact that he was tearing up. It always made me want to know what he was reading. I wanted to know what made him smile and laugh so I could imitate that, I wanted to know what made him cry and frown so I could avoid that, I just wanted to know _everything._ It was pathetic, really.

Talking with people wasn't exactly one of my fortes and I feared that I would somehow scare him off if I approached him. Not to mention, this feeling of want, this inexplicable desire to hold someone through the night and into the day, this need of seeing someone's face just to feel at ease, all of it was new to me. It was scary to be so enraptured in someone. It was _terrifying_ to know that someone else had so much power over me, power that he didn't even know he had. He could snap his fingers and I'd likely fall apart. If I saw someone else behaving this way I'd probably scoff and roll my eyes at their idiocy.

It didn't help that watching Ritsu from afar suddenly wasn't entertaining enough for the cruel deity laughing at my hopelessness.

I was reaching towards a book when a smaller, more delicate hand came into contact with mine. I looked over, my breath catching in my throat at the sight of Ritsu ripping his hand away and returning my gaze anxiously. He opened his mouth, looking like he was about to apologize for nothing.

"You can take the book, Onodera." I said quickly before he could speak, not enjoying the sight of Ritsu appearing so guilty and worried.

"How do you know my name?" Came the quiet, nervous response. The book was quickly forgotten by us both. I felt like I was short-circuiting when the question left him, wracking my brain for any possible excuse or lie, but my mouth started moving without my permission.

"I love you."

There was a pause between the two of us, the air around me feeling as if it were crushing my bones.

"...eh? _Eh?!"_ His face flushed a beautiful shade of red, but I didn't have the time to admire it because I was desperately trying to think of a way to prevent Ritsu from sprinting away.

"What I meant to say was-well-would you want to go out with me sometime?" I asked, watching his surprised, flustered expression closely. He shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, as he opened and closed his mouth, grasping at straws for his response.

"Y-Y-You know I-I'm a guy r-right?"

I almost wanted to laugh. Out of all the things he could've said, _this_ was what he decided on. A corner of my lips quirked up in amusement as I started to find it a little easier to breath.

"Yeah, I'm aware." I replied. "Does it bother you that _I'm_ a guy?" I asked.

"I-no! Not really? I don't-" He inched closer and closer to retreating.

"It's alright, Just take a breath, okay? You don't have to say yes." I assured him, though I would have _really, really_ liked for him to say yes, but I tried not to lead on to that.

"I-I don't even k-know your name..." He started, seeming to try to find some sort of excuse, perhaps wanting to spare my feelings instead of outright rejecting me.

"It's Saga. Saga Masamune."

He nodded slowly, visibly swallowing as he wrung his hands, seeming to be carefully considering his next few words.

"O-O-Okay...I-I'll go out with you...Saga-senpai..."


	2. Chapter 2

When an upperclassman grabbed a book for me and handed it over I was grateful for a few seconds, but forgot about the interaction quickly. It had been nothing particularly special after all. If there was anything I _did_ remember from the brief conversation-if one could even call it that-it was that I felt terribly embarrassed for being too short to reach a book. _And then a certain name started to pop up everywhere..._

* * *

I scanned the shelves for a new read, not looking for anything in particular, just something unfamiliar or fresh. I started to reach for one when a larger hand met mine and I instinctively recoiled away from the touch as if it had burned me. I looked over to see an older student that was often slinking around the library, somehow always seeming to have a certain sadness around him.

"You can take the book, Onodera." He told me quickly, his expression blank and unreadable.

"How do you know my name?" I asked hesitantly, though I already knew the answer. This was my stalker. Saga Masamune.

I often liked to reread books that I particularly connected with and it didn't take long for me to realize a certain name kept appearing and reappearing underneath my own. Saga Masamune.

I didn't know anything about this 'Saga' person. I was far too shy to ever venture out to try to talk to many people. Though, after noticing the name I also noticed that an upperclassman was constantly in the library as well. The one that had helped me grab a book. He'd sit at a different table, that mop of black hair typically covering his eyes, and I decided he was as good as a suspect as anyone. It wasn't like many other students spent hours upon in the school's library. To confirm my suspicion, I once quietly walked up to his table when he had fallen asleep sitting up and looked in the back of the book. There was his name. Saga Masamune. The upperclassman shifted and I flinched, quickly putting the book back down in front of him before retreating.

I tried to ignore it, not understanding his motives or actions and wondering if perhaps I was looking a little too much into it...and then we just had to bump into each other again.

"I love you." He said.

My heart punched the inside of my rib cage before seeming to have a panic attack, beating erratically in all directions.

"...eh? _Eh?!"_ Is all I could choke out in response with my legs feeling weak yet also prepared to sprint a mile if necessary.

"What I meant to say was-well-would you want to go out with me sometime?" He asked, but my confusion didn't cease. My mouth opened and closed a few times and I probably looked like a stupid fish before I finally managed to say something slightly coherent.

"Y-Y-You know I-I'm a guy r-right?" I stuttered, realizing that question sounded much dumber out loud than it did in my head. He smirked a bit at my question and I refrained from frowning, feeling like he was making fun of me and this confession had perhaps been a joke of some sort to mess with me.

"Yeah, I'm aware. Does it bother you that I'm a guy?"

I struggled to swallow as I started to shake my head. "I-no! Not really? I don't-" I wanted to hide behind the bookshelves at this point and forget this entire conversation.

"It's alright, Just take a breath, okay? You don't have to say yes." He said and I for some reason feared I had somehow irritated him or caused his patience to run thin.

"I-I don't even k-know your name..." I lied, wanting to somehow escape this situation.

"It's Saga. Saga Masamune." He replied smoothly. He obviously didn't see our lack of knowledge of one another as an issue and suddenly I was out of excuses.

I could have said I didn't like guys, I could have said I wasn't interested, I could have said _anything,_ but instead I just gulped nervously and nodded slowly.

"O-O-Okay...I-I'll go out with you...Saga-senpai..."


	3. Author Note

I am unsure of whether or not I want to continue this, so I would really REALLY appreciate feedback on the first two chapters, even though all they are is a perspective flip.


	4. Chapter 3

I felt like Ritsu was just as surprised as I was when he agreed to go out with me, making me feel a little uneasy about how much the underclassman actually wanted anything to do me. However, I found myself feeling satisfied just to be near him. I'd arrive at the library first, but he'd never be far behind. I'd often have to either invite him to sit with him or go sit with him. He was obviously still anxious around me, but I could be patient. If his feelings weren't quite caught up to my own, well, that was fine. I could wait.

Or at least that's what I thought.

* * *

'Surprised' is an understatement to what I felt when Ritsu invited me to come back to his home. I swore my throat was starting to close up. My tongue felt dry, like all of it's moisture had been stolen by my palms and damn I hated myself for being so nervous for _no reason._ I was just going to a friend's house. Correction: I was going to my boyfriend's house. I was going to _Ritsu's_ house, oh god, I was going to _Ritsu's_ house, and I desperately hoped my nerves didn't show on my face. I nodded when I realized I hadn't answered him and he gave me that sweet smile once more and I _swore to god_ that if I tried to walk a step I'd fall flat on my face. I stood from the table we were sitting at despite that and exited the library with him, hoping he couldn't hear my heartbeat like how I could.

We walked side by side in silence, our hands brushing together ever so slightly and I eventually made the decision to take his hand into mine even though I was unsure of what his reaction would be.

He made a shocked sound, his instinct being to pull away, but I held his hand a little tighter.

"Is this not okay?" I asked him, tone seeming disinterested even though that was far from what I felt.

"N-N-N-No, i-i-it's f-fine." He stuttered, his cheeks red once again as he tried to relax.

I gave a short nod in response, my grip relaxing slightly as I felt a little more confident that he wouldn't escape.

* * *

I wanted to escape. Ritsu's house was definitely a lot more... _upper class_ (for lack of a better word) than I was expecting (and definitely more than I was used to). He smiled sheepishly, as if sensing my discomfort as we approached the front door.

"My mom is probably home." He warned, his hand dropping mine before panic made his eyes go wide with realization.

"It's alright. I won't tell her about us if you don't want." I said, figuring that was what he was stressing over. His body relaxed, but guilt shone in his tone.

"Thank you," He replied, seeming as if he wanted to say more, but decided against it as he opened up the front door.

"Tadaima," He called out after we both slipped off our shoes, but there was no response. I smiled a bit to myself when seeing his eyebrows furrow together before he simply shrugged. "I guess my mom went out. W-We could go to my room?" He suggested and suddenly escaping was the absolute _last thing I wanted to do._

"I-I'll go get us s-something to drink," Ritsu said. I went to tell him I was fine, but he ran off before I could. I shook my head, a little amused by his nervousness if I were being honest. An embarrassing part of myself was happy to be in Ritsu's room. It was full of books, pictures, there wasn't anything particularly special. But it felt safe, warm, soothing. It felt like Ritsu.

I sat down, making myself comfortable as I heard footsteps approach the bedroom door. Ritsu appeared with two glasses, that irritatingly soft and gentle smile on his face as he took a seat next to me, handing me the drink. I thanked him before taking a sip, nearly choking on it when he spoke again.

"Why do you love me?"

I stared at him for a moment, making sure I heard him right. He stared at his lap, refusing to meet my gaze and I couldn't help but to smirk a little.

"Why? Because you're you." I answered, sounding so much put together than I truly was.

"T-T-That's n-not a reason!" He protested.

"You honestly wanna know why? Because it would probably take three days to list all the reasons."

He looked up at me now, mouth opened slightly in shock at the ridiculous, but actual time it would take for me to explain my affection and his blushing expression made me forget all about my 'patience' as I quickly closed the gap between the two of us.


	5. Chapter 4

_"Do you love me?"_

 _"H-huh?"_

 _"Well...it's just that you've never really said anything, so..."_

* * *

Ritsu was easy to read, almost _too_ easy to read, so it wasn't a daunting task to notice that he was avoiding me after what had happened at his house. I started to worry that I had pressured him, that he hadn't wanted it, which of course lead to doubts of him ever even wanting to be with me in the first place.

So much for patience.

But I couldn't quite learn my lesson.

I still gravitated to him at the library and found myself at his house more and more often and I could never quite recall whether I had been invited or just invited myself, but I was fearful of Ritsu drifting away from me. I felt as if I needed to squeeze myself into his heart, just how he had squeezed himself into mine, otherwise I'd be forgotten.

All of these nonsensical, but alarming scenarios started to claw their way into my chest at night. I would worry that Ritsu didn't feel even a fraction of what I felt for him: that he was only dating me because I intimidated him and he was worried what would've happened if he had rejected me, or he was only sparing my feelings by not breaking up with me, or that he was only dating me out of pity, or because he liked to brag to his friends about how he had an upperclassman wrapped around his finger, or anything else I could think up at two in the morning. My frightening speculations would make me stick even closer to the underclassman the next day, even if he could only stutter and stumble in my presence. I started to want to ask him.

Because him just being there, us just being together didn't feel like enough anymore. There were too many 'what if's floating around every night and it was getting harder and harder to keep up with them. Any logic I had left was being mercilessly drowned out by the fear of returning to the lonely life I had once known. It was starting to build up more and more, this anxious and all-encompassing need to ask him.

Plus, how could I _not_ want to know? How could I _not_ ask in that moment? It was all too perfect. He was sitting there in front of me, face flushed like always and shirt unbuttoned, hair a little messy and eyes shifting about shyly. This was the image I wanted of Onodera Ritsu burned into my brain. This was the way i wanted to remember this bashful, beautiful, and kind creature.

I had come over to his house again. The two of us were greeted by emptiness, meaning that we were there alone and I had been quick to take advantage of the situation. I was desperate to feel the two of us pressed together again. It was reassuring, made the unpleasant thoughts go elsewhere for at least a little while, but that hadn't been enough either. I was too greedy. I needed to know if this anxious whirlwind that had unexpectedly crashed his way into my life felt the same way I did. I'd never be satisfied otherwise, no matter how many kisses I stole, no matter how many nights and days we spent together, it wouldn't be enough. I asked him.

"Do you love me?"

He made a sound as if he were choking on his own spit, looking incredulously at me. "H-Huh?" he stuttered and I felt panic start to scratch at my insides tortuously.

"Well...it's just that you've never said anything, so..." I trailed off, swallowing my nerves.

"Heh..."

He laughed. I watched as he covered his amused smile with a hand, shoulders shaking a bit with laughter and I swore my airway was beginning to close up.

I suppose I had asked because I had just known all along. The fact that I had been delusional for so long made my stomach wrench with disgust for myself.

Ritsu didn't love me.

He never did.


	6. Chapter 5

" _Shoujo manga?"_ I stared at the woman before me, getting rather irritated with her chipper, happy-go-lucky grin. "This is a mistake." I said, staring at her past my black-frame glasses. "I'm meant to work in literature."

"I'm very sorry to hear that, but you can always transfer!" She assured me, seeming too cheerful to really be all that sorry. "But for now, please follow me! I'll show you to our editorial department!"

I followed her with an unamused expression, not one to make conversation. The woman practically bounced with every step.

"And here we are, our shoujo manga department: Emerald." She said, her joyful expression dropping when seeing the condition of the office, but I ignored it as I gave a slight bow to introduce myself. It was better to get the boring formalities out of the way.

"It's nice to meet you," I started, "my is name is Takano Masamune. I'll be working with you starting today." When I finally took the time to take in my surroundings I realized the department was being suffocated by an overcasting cloud of grayness, papers and pens and other materials were scattered haphazardly, and the editors themselves appeared no better than fresh corpses.

"I'm so sorry! There's been a mistake in the cycle!" The woman exclaimed in horror, eyes wide with fear. Cycle? She then looked to me with a forced and strained smile. "I-I-I'm sure you'll do just fine! L-L-Like I said, you c-can always transfer! Good luck!" She spat out quickly before sprinting away.

"Oi!" I called after her, irritated. I had just been dropped into a battlefield with nothing to defend myself with. I looked to the disturbingly still editors and slowly approached one, hesitantly putting my hand on his shoulder only for him to flop over on to the floor. I flinched backwards, wondering if this would count as manslaughter until the man slowly looked up at me with a groan.

"Uh, I'm sorry." I apologized. "I'm new guy who's starting today." I explained.

A baby-faced man stared at me blearily for a few moments before he finally seemed to comprehend what I had said. "Onodera-saaaaan," He said. "The new guy's here."

No response.

"Onodera-saaaaan!"

"Hai, hai, hai, I heard you the first time..." The figure at the end of the table shifted to properly sit up, a pair of exhausted emerald eyes looking to me. "So, are you a part timer?"

"An employee," I corrected as I approached him.

"Your name?" He asked, seeming as if he were about to fall back asleep at the desk. Was this man seriously the one in charge?

"Takano Masamune. It's nice to meet you." It'd be even nicer to leave.

"Sorry I couldn't be there for the interview, but you have worked as an editor, right?" He asked, sounding almost anxious, desperate even. I felt as if I had just climbed aboard a sinking ship.

"I've worked as an editor for literature, yes."

"Literature?" He sounded surprised. "Is this your first time working with manga?"

I nodded in confirmation and his body deflated with disappointment, his expression tightening with stress.

"We're doomed."

"Oi," I frowned, aggravated. "Don't jump so quick to conclusions. I may be a newbie, but I can pull my own weight." I didn't care if this scrawny kid was supposed to be my boss, I wasn't going to stand here and be insulted.

He scowled, but seemed to shrink a little, as if I intimidated him and simultaneously got on his nerves.

Great. This was going to be just great.


	7. Chapter 6

"Onodera-san," Hatori called, holding a phone in one hand. I looked away from the newbie, irritated as hell with his attitude, and waited for Hatori to go on.

"The sub mat is done." he stated and I could almost cry with relief. I rose from my desk, wobbling slightly from the lack of sleep.

"Follow me, Takano. You'll have to learn one way or another." I said. He gave a short nod in response and I tried not to scowl from aggravation. Something about his vacant expression and distant demeanor seemed kind of...familiar? And it was getting on my nerves a bit.

We entered the elevator together as he started to speak, "Sub mat means substitute material, right? Does that mean someone didn't deliver?" His questions sounded more like statements, but I nodded anyways. "When's the release date?" He asked.

"In seven days."

"Seven days? At the stores?" He appeared confused and even a little concerned, which was understandable, but the newbie would have to get used to this sort of thing one way or another. I nodded once more and he pursed his lips before dropping the subject. The elevator dinged and we stepped out together

"Good work," I commended the woman in front of me, feeling my chest start to release the stress it had been storing. "Did you bring your tools?" I asked. She nodded quickly with an enthusiastic, "hai" before she got them out. "Can you make this kissing scene more dramatic?" I suggested, pointing it out.

"Something like this?" She asked after she started to work on it.

"No, more from this angle."

We continued discussing the kissing scene briefly before the stoic raven-haired man spoke up.

"You have kissed someone before, right?" Takano questioned.

The woman's face flushed as a soft gasp escaped her.

"Oi-" I started. That was completely unacceptable and inappropriate behavior! Who did this guy think he was?

"E-E-Even if you do it, you can't see yourself kissing," The woman laughed nervously.

"That is true..." Takano admitted.

"Oh, I can go get some references." I offered despite being tight on time as I stood up from the table. Takano stood as well.

"You want it from this angle?" He asked, staring at the drawing momentarily. "Alright, I'll give you an example then."

I watched him with furrowed eyebrows, not understanding what exactly he had planned until I felt him grab my arm. My eyes went wide with alarm when he tilted my head slightly, holding on to my chin as he kissed me.

"Mmph?!"

He released me almost as fast as he had grabbed me before looking back over to the woman. "Did you get that?" He asked, appearing bored.

"H-H-H-Hai!" She replied, drawing furiously as I fumed.

"W-What the hell do you think you're doing?!" I demanded. He almost seemed to want to scoff.

"What do you mean? Work, of course. We don't have the time to run off in search for references, better to get it done quicker, don't you think?" He replied calmly, unaffected by my primal rage.

"I could fire you right now!"

"For what?" He sighed, as if I were a child bugging him, which made my veins pop all the more.

"H-How about insubordination?! Or sexual harassment!"

"Your office looks like a war zone right now, Onodera-san. I think you need me more than I need you."

I clenched my fists tightly. _This jerk…_

"Finished!" The woman exclaimed, having completely ignored our argument.

"We should get this to the printer's then." Takano said.

" _I knew that."_

"Sure you did."


	8. Chapter 7

I decided to stay in the office late way after everyone had gone home, after, carrying a stack of manga. My new boss was irritated and snippy the rest of the day, but he seemed about as harmless as a kitten. I sat the mangas down at my new desk, taking a seat and opening the first one up.

If I gave up and turned tail then it would just give Onodera the right to say his first impression of me was spot on, and my pride couldn't allow that. If I did my damnedest and still failed, then it was my own fault. But if I don't try and I'm considered useless...I couldn't allow that.

I didn't end up going home until well into the night and even then it took me some extra time to fall asleep. Needless to say, come morning time I was exhausted. I didn't bother to hide my rather sour mood as I made my way to the office.

"Good morning." I greeted, eyes half closed with exhaustion.

"Good morning, Takano-kun." Came the energetic reply.

Ignoring my little eye twitch of irritation, I realized I must have walked into the wrong office. What was once a battlefield was now a pink, cotton-candy glitter fest that my exhausted form wasn't ready to absorb.

"I'm sorry, my mistake, Emerald-" I started as I began to turn around, but a very young looking editor was quick to snatch my arm.

"What are you talking about? We're right here!" He said cheerfully. "Sorry about yesterday, but we managed to get the manuscript in before the deadline so it's all good again! We're back at the beginning of our cycle." He explained.

I looked at him a bit skeptically, but I did vaguely recognize him as one of the passed out editors from yesterday.

"Cycle?" I questioned. I remembered it being briefly mentioned yesterday, but not explained.

The quieter, more stone-faced editor looked to Onodera. "Did you not explain the cycle to him?" He asked and Onodera scowled.

"From the way he was acting yesterday he seemed like he already had it all figured out, so why should I have to explain it to him?" My 'superior' (god, really?) replied.

"We make books in twenty day cycles." The stoic editor started, realizing Onodera was not going to start explaining anytime soon. "So, towards the end of the cycle things get crammed and extremely stressful, resulting in the conditions you saw yesterday."

"But now we're good to go! And we'll totally teach you all the ropes, Masa-chan!" The baby faced editor said almost too excitedly-and wait. Masa-chan? What the hell? "I'm Kisa, over there is Hatori, and this is Mino." He introduced each of them and I merely gave a slightly stunned nod. My sleep deprivation was not helping me come to terms with this pink and sparkly energy that was suddenly all around so I took my seat and deep breath. This was going to take some getting used to.

"So, you've seriously never worked with manga?" Kisa asked, head tilted slightly to the side in what I guessed was an attempt to look cute.

"No, I haven't. But, last night I read a bunch to try to sort of familiarize myself with it and I plan to read the rest of the mangas Emerald has published."

"Haaaa? Seriously? I could never do that! That would take so much time!" Kisa said, wincing at the mere thought. I smirked the tiniest bit in amusement.

"I used to do stuff like that in high school all the time. I was constantly in our schools library, so reading that much material in a small amount of time isn't anything new to me." I explained to him.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Onodera tense up before turning to look at me in...shock?

"What?" I asked before he quickly shook his head.

"N-nothing," he stuttered in reply and...was he blushing?

I shrugged the odd interaction off. Whatever that reaction of his meant didn't matter. I wasn't going to let him think I was useless.


	9. Chapter 8

So this was hell week. The joy of Emerald had been sucked out all too quickly and replaced with that familiar gloom that had greeted me upon my first arrival. At least I was finally starting to fit in a bit, the bags under my eyes, the constant grinding of my teeth, and the frustrated grabbing of fistfuls of my own hair were certainly signs that I was starting to feel the same stress as my coworkers.

Every end of the work day should have been a relief, but most of the time when I went home I just had a smoke, showered and ate quickly if time permitted, before diving back into the art of shoujo manga. I swore I was starting to see cherry blossoms everywhere I saw. Maybe I should quit.

At the end of the day I found myself in the break room, sitting on the couch with a sigh and letting my head tilt back. The room was poorly lit and gray, but it was nice to have something dull that wouldn't hurt my eyes like that annoyingly pink room. The cushions beside me sunk a bit, indicating that someone had joined me. I was a little surprised and not entirely happy to see Onodera, looking just as exhausted as I felt.

"Here," he said, holding out a can that said 'black' in big white letters, appearing almost shy and unsure of his actions. "Good work today."

"Thank you." I said as I accepted the beverage. He opened up a second can he had, taking a sip.

"You know, you really haven't changed all that much." He said suddenly, a small and affectionate smile on his face. "Still as stoic and hard to read as ever." He added.

All I gave him in return was a look of confusion. "Excuse me?"

He frowned and shifted nervously, looking as if he regretted saying something. "I-I guess you don't remember me."

"I'm pretty sure we haven't met before..."

He pursed his lips, setting his drink aside and wringing his hands nervously. "I-I'm honestly surprised that I recognized you first. I mean, I don't think I've changed that much and your actual name changed..." He said with a sigh before standing. "But you're probably confused about how I know that, right? Saga-senpai?"

It was as if this man had reached down my throat to grip my heart and squeeze it until it popped. An image of an innocent, emerald eyed beauty that I had been suppressing for years resurfaced to haunt me once more.

Onodera Ritsu.

My first love.

The boy who single handedly sewed me together only to rip me up stitch by stitch.

He sighed when I said nothing and went to leave. "I'm going home." he announced.

I sat there with my mouth agape, eyes following as he walked away. Unlike in the past when he and I first crossed paths, I couldn't stop my feet from following.

"Oi, Onodera!" I called out as I tailed him, catching him outside the elevator. He wasn't just going to drop that on me and leave! "You can't just go around saying whatever the hell you want like that! Besides, I think I deserve an apology!"

"An apology? For what?"

"For what you did to me!"

"Something I did to you?"

"Do you see anyone else around here?!"

"You're the one who did something to me! You round house kicked me before disappearing the face of the Earth!"

...

"...eh?"

"Yeah! And I know I was just some stupid underclassman, but my feelings were genuine, you know!"

"But-you-" I could feel the composure I had built up all these years crumbling. The mask that I so easily hid my emotions with was falling to pieces. "When I asked how you felt about me...all you did was laugh!"

"I don't even remember that!" Onodera defended. "Besides, you know how anxious I was whenever I was around you, the question probably made me nervous!" He took a breath and shook his head. "So, you thought I didn't feel anything for you and that's why you kicked me and ran away? And you've been holding a grudge for ten years?"

I stood there with my mouth hanging open like an idiot because I couldn't deny anything he had said. Just some nervous laughter? The moment that had completely thrown me into wreckage was just being chalked up to 'nervous laughter'?

"Well, the mystery is solved then I guess." He said as the elevator doors slid open. He stepped into them before speaking again. "No matter who I was with...I...I could never forget you." He admitted. "And I'm not just going to pass up this second chance...I'm going to make you say you love me again."

"Who the hell do you think you are?!" I demanded, taking a few steps forward without thought as the elevator doors shut and I collided with them. I cursed as I crouched to hold my head in my hands, glaring at the floor.

I needed to calm down. I couldn't let him shake me like that again. Did...did this mean I just misunderstood? Before meeting Ritsu I already had so little hope, was filled with hateful cynicism and the moment he laughed all that had come rushing back at me tenfold.

How did I not notice it was him from the very start? Especially after seeing his eyes. Those were the eyes that had haunted my nightmares for years. Had I known but I was just in denial? Did I just refuse to accept he had returned to my reality? Well, it wasn't as if I could deny it any longer, even if I wanted to.

What if...what if what he said is true? What if I did misunderstand? Maybe he...did love me? Maybe he still does? Does that mean I can love him again? I was the one who liked him first. Maybe it would be just like in the mangas. I'd tell him I love him and then we'd cut to the happy ending.

Yeah fucking right!

I seethed with irritation from allowing myself to think such stupid and worthless things. No. This definitely isn't love. I couldn't ever fall for the same guy twice! I'll say 'I love you' again when hell freezes over! And with that final thought in mind I decided I really needed to go home.

I thanked the movers after everything was finally in my apartment. Moving on top of starting a new job was not a fun experience and after what happened with Onodera I was really glad to have all my things finally in one place. While the thought of going to work made me want to lock myself in my bedroom, I had come to the conclusion that I wasn't going to let the fact that my boss was my ex discourage me. I let out a sigh and decided not to ponder on that problem for too long and head to the convenience store for some food.

I exited the apartment, locking it behind me when I heard the door to my right open. Ah, my neighbor. I supposed now was as good a time as ever to introduce myself. I bowed politely.

"Hello, I'm your new neighbor."

I looked up slowly when not getting a response, only to find a very surprised Onodera.

"Is this a roundabout way of confessing?" He asked to which in response I quickly went back into my apartment and slammed my door shut.

I needed to move.


	10. Chapter 9

"Oi! Onodera!" A furious shout brought my attention to a black-haired man walking into Emerald, holding a manga in one of his hands. "How dare you produce something like this!" He said, waving the manga around.

Onodera tensed, his face contorted with confusion and worry. "E-eh? I-is something wrong with it?" He asked.

"The first printing sold out on the first day! Even if we reprint right away it'll take ten days! What are you gonna do about this?! This is happening because you didn't push for a higher print volume during the initial planning!"

Onodera shifted in his chair as he listened to the man rant, straining a smile as if wanting to appear respectful, but also wanting to let this man know he was irritated.

"Yokozawa, don't conveniently forget that I pushed for 30,000 extra copies to be printed, but then your boss forced me to change it because it was too much." Despite the forced smile on his face, there was a dead, I've-got-nothing-to-lose tone to his voice that was just daring this 'Yokozawa' to try anything.

"So this is because of your pathetic compromises and lack of any damn backbone and confidence!" Yokozawa concluded and at this point I had definitely had enough of this conversation. My coworkers didn't seem to pay any attention to it and that admittedly made me a bit worried that this was a regular thing I'd have to deal with on top of everything else.

"Oi," I cut in. "Some people are actually trying to get work done, so if you're going to throw a fit please feel free to do so elsewhere."

"Masa-chan, you shouldn't-" Kisa started, but Yokozawa didn't let him finish.

"Haa? Who do you think you are?" He questioned, eyebrows knitted together angrily.

"Takano Masamune." I answered boredly, which seemed to only infuriate him further.

"And where do you get off talking to your superiors like that?!"

"Just about anywhere, really."

"Onodera, is this how you run things here? Letting your subordinates just mouth off to anyone?!" Yokozawa said accusingly.

"Oi, I wasn't finished talking to you. You're making a scene and becoming a distraction. Shouldn't you be worrying about getting that reprint done? Chewing Onodera-san out for something that wasn't his fault isn't going to change the past and it isn't going to get anything done. Even an idiot could see that."

He glared at me momentarily, said something probably useless about not letting this happen again, and then left.

"Takano, you can't just say whatever you what, whenever you want!" Onodera scolded.

"But I wasn't wrong." I pointed out. "And you weren't about to tell him off anytime soon. So, you're welcome."

"I wasn't thanking you!"

I smirked a bit in amusement. Somehow he was cute when he was angry. Much, much different to the kind of cute he was back in high school, but still cute. But that's all there was to it. I was allowed to think he was cute, I told myself. It's not like that really meant anything.

I was already pulling out a cigarette when I stepped out of the elevator, ready to make my journey home when I noticed two figures by the exit.

What the hell? Onodera and that Yokozawa man from earlier were loitering around and-

Did Onodera just laugh?

What the hell happened to the high-strung man that was at my boss' throat not that long ago?

"Don't forget that you owe me dinner sometime this week." Yokozawa said and Onodera nodded.

"Hai, hai, hai," he replied as if he had heard this too many times already.

Tch, as if Onodera owed this asshole anything.

"I'm serious, Ritsu. Sometimes you are a bit of an airhead..."

"Oi!" The bickering between them started again, but it seemed more like a banter between friends.

Ritsu.

He had called him Ritsu.

Don't just let anyone address you so casually, you idiot! Especially someone like him!

I hated myself for thinking that way, but I couldn't ignore what I knew was a sense of jealousy starting to pool in my stomach and I started to make my way towards the two men.

"Onodera-san, do you want to walk to the train station together?" I asked, not caring that I was interrupting the two of them.

Yokozawa clearly recognized me from earlier, or at least that's what I assumed from his scowl. Onodera seemed surprised at the offer, but nodded. He spoke briefly with Yokozawa for a few more moments and I didn't care enough to listen in before they parted ways and I exited the building with Onodera. I couldn't help but to feel a tiny bit smug feeling Yokozawa burn holes in the back of my head.

"Don't get the wrong idea." I told Onodera. "It would just be a real inconvenience for Emerald if something happened to you while you were making your way home alone."

His pleasant mood turned sour quickly as he scowled. "I can take care of myself!" He insisted. "I don't need a bodyguard!"

"You could've fooled me with how you were letting Yokozawa walk all over you earlier. Besides, what's with you being all buddy-buddy with him all of a sudden?"

"Why do you care?"

"It's just annoying."

Onodera rolled his eyes at my admittedly immature answer. "Yokozawa is a friend of mine, a good one, and that's all there is to it." He said.

"He called you Ritsu."

"Yeah, so? What, are you jealous?" He had a teasing smirk that made my body stop in motion for a second before I quickly shook my head.

"Jealousy is for idiots."

And I'm probably an idiot.


	11. Chapter 10

At first I thought Onodera really hadn't changed all that much since high school upon learning he was my past lover.

But I was very wrong. While he was still easily flustered, he could snap at me in a way that would've left me hurt and confused if he had done it ten years ago. While he could still be a completely clumsy and hopeless airhead, he was undeniably passionate and determined about his work and dare I say even good at it. While in the past it would take all he had to choke out an invitation for me to come over, now...

"I was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner, Takano."

...this is what my evenings usually looked like. My boss standing at my front door-which would be a little alarming and confusing to most-and inviting me over was becoming more frequent and more annoying.

"I'm busy. With work."

"Somehow I get the feeling your boss might be a bit forgiving..." He said with a shy smile that almost sent me barreling backwards to our high school days.

Almost.

"I seriously doubt that. Plus my 'boss' probably has work he needs to get done too."

He gave a scowl, one that just made him look like an angry kitten and one that I was also getting more and more used to.

"I am getting my work done." He huffed, crossing his arms defensively.

"Doesn't look like it, looks like you're bothering your neighbor."

"You can be a real ass sometimes, you know that? Sometimes I feel like you forget that I'm your boss."

"I don't forget it, it's more like I can't believe it."

"Fine, if you're gonna be like that I'll just find someone in a more pleasant mood to have dinner with." He concluded with a huff, turning to walk away.

Images of Onodera and Yokozawa laughing together the other day unfortunately surfaced and an irrational part of me was suddenly terrified at the notion of Onodera possibly inviting him over.

"...Wait."

I was probably going to regret this.

"This surprisingly isn't half bad." I said as I sat across from Onodera, eating some curry he had prepared.

"Surprisingly? Why surprisingly?" He frowned with his eyebrows furrowed

"Well, considering you seemed to be so much of a pampered prince in high school, I figured that lifestyle just followed you into adulthood and you wouldn't know a frying pan from a pot."

His cheeks turned red from both embarrassment and irritation, seeming to shrink a little bit in his seat.

"Whatever." He oh-so-cleverly retorted. "You could at least try to be polite, ya know."

"There's no fun in that."

He rolled his eyes at my response before shaking his head with a sigh. "Anyways.." He seemed to relax a bit, hesitating and returning to his shy demeanor. Maybe I had been right initially. Maybe Onodera really hadn't changed all that much. "I wanted to know what you've been up to the past ten years. Like, where you ran off to?" He shifted in his seat, avoiding eye contact with me, appearing nervous about what my reaction would be mentioning the past.

"I went abroad for college. In England." I answered, not seeing why I shouldn't.

"Oh-well-I guess that explains why I couldn't really find you..."

"...You looked for me?"

His body tensed and his eyes went wide with that familiar panic, his face twisted with embarrassment that he tried to mask with anger. "I-no-maybe-it doesn't matter!"

"You don't have to get so worked up about it. What did you do to look for me?" I hated that my curiosity was peeked, but something about knowing that Onodera had wanted me back just as much as I had wanted him back then...almost felt nice. Not that I wanted him now.

He seemed reluctant to go into detail, but gave in. "A-at first I would just stay in the library later than usual, hoping you would miraculously show up, but I quickly realized that you weren't coming back. So I started to ask around the school. But I guess you had always been the loner I suspected you to be as you didn't really seem to have anyone that knew you well enough to know what had happened to you..."

"So you became a little stalker huh?" I teased, only because it was so much fun to get under his skin.

"A-a-as if! B-b-besides you don't have much room to talk! You think I was too dumb to notice your name popping up on every book I ever checked out?!"

"Honestly? Yeah." I replied, not even embarrassed. I had been young and in love after all. That was a crazy, dangerous, weird combination.

Onodera gritted his teeth. "You really are just the worst!"

"Then why invite me over constantly?" I questioned with a bored expression.

"Because I fell in love with you ten years ago..." He paused to sigh, "and I am unfortunately still the same idiot in love..."

I couldn't find any witty response, no teasing words left my mouth, there was no snide or snarky reply. All I could do sit there and stare at the table.

"And? What about you, Masamune?" My body almost jolts out of the chair at the sound of him calling me by my first name. "How do you...how do you feel about me?"

I stand up quickly, eyes downcast. "I should go home." I announced, but Onodera unfortunately wasn't going to let me go that easy.

"Masamune, wait, please-" He started, and my hands felt shaky. He had never called me by my first name before. Not ten years ago, and not ten years later.

"Please don't address me so casually." Don't act like we're close. Don't speak to me like we might actually have a second chance. I might start believing you. I left his apartment before he could protest any further.


	12. Chapter 11

(A/N: Sorry updates took so long, I lost motivation and then when I had it things suddenly got crazy :P also, there isn't really any action in this chapter, just some Ritsu thoughts lol)

* * *

I frowned when Masamune quickly fled my kitchen, my front door soon opening and shutting loudly to notify me that I was left alone and it certainly left a familiar and unwelcomed sting in my chest.

Had I come off too strong? Maybe I came off too strong. I finally got him in my apartment for the first time and I asked him to tell me how he feels about me after being separated for ten painful, jading, desolate years. Okay, I probably came off too strong. But after having all that time pass and then finally having the object of my affections so close...it's a little hard not to try to push things along.

Masamune didn't seem like he had changed that much, after all, so I admit that I thought this would be easy. However, it was still hard to gauge what he was thinking or feeling because of his impenetrable mask of steel. He also still liked to tease the hell out of me, as much as I hated it. But...he had still been much kinder to me back in high school, even through the small things he did. It hadn't been hard for me to see that he loved me. Now he was so cold. I couldn't even get a little smirk out of him if I tried and I'd be lying if I said that wasn't discouraging.

I started to put away the left overs and clean up the table with a sigh, Masamune's comment about my 'pampered prince' lifestyle still irritating me. Mostly because if it wasn't for Yokozawa I'd probably be useless when it came to taking care of myself and Masamune would be right. I wondered briefly if Yokozawa would want any curry because I probably wouldn't eat the rest of it, but then quickly recalled that anytime I brought food up to him it turned into a lecture about my health and nutrition. I really hated it when he turned motherly on me. I'm an adult after all! I can take care of myself! So what if I collapsed maybe once or twice...

I finished cleaning up, my jumbled and mixed up thoughts getting back to my next door neighbor. Neighbor. All that separated us was a wall and yet somehow that made it even more unbearable. Loneliness had it's bony arms around my waist and was squeezing pretty tightly.

I couldn't help but to wonder what he had done in England. Who did he meet? What did he like to do on the weekends? Did he see any sights?

Did he date anyone?

My fists clenched a bit at the mere thought before I scolded myself. It was stupid to get jealous over something like that! Embarrassing too! I was a grown man who shouldn't have such petty feelings over any past flings Masamune may have had. I mean, even I saw other people, even if only for one night...

Did he miss me?

I could feel my face burn with shame for wanting that to be true and glee for the mere possibility of that being true. Though, with the way things were going now, I'd say it was more likely that he resented me than missed me during our time apart.

It was strange to think about Masamune being just as confused and heartbroken as I was. Back in high school he always seemed so level headed and calm and put together and in control and honestly just everything I wasn't. I couldn't imagine him hurting just as much as I did. I couldn't picture nightmares of my face plaguing him. I couldn't see him in such a pathetically desperate state to feel some sort of affection that he stupidly looked for it in bars and alcohol.

But, then again, maybe he wasn't as strong as he always looked to be.

And with that I concluded that this was definitely not going to be easy, but I had waited ten years. I could wait longer.


	13. Chapter 12

THIS ONES FOR SHIRANI ATSUNE

* * *

I really didn't understand shoujo manga.

That was the conclusion I had finally come to even after throwing myself into mountains of the stuff and studying them until the sun came up. The whole notion of a happily-ever-after and the often ridiculous scenarios the characters found themselves in was completely incomprehensible to me. The misunderstandings that could be resolved with a little communication, the sparkly confessions, and the so obvious rivals were all pretty laughable. Somehow though, I was managing to stay afloat and was picking up some insightful tips and advice from my coworkers.

However, there was one thing in particular that was proving more challenging than taking the content of the manga seriously, dealing with my authors, and not throttling Kisa every time he called me Masa-chan.

Onodera.

It wasn't as if the man didn't keep his professional distance at work, because he did, despite the feelings he may have been harboring for me and our complicated past. No, instead he dove into projects head on without hesitation, he seemed to genuinely care about authors and their readers, and there was more than one instance when I had been staying up past ungodly hours at my apartment only to hear my next door neighbor only just getting back from the office.

The problem was that I found this admirable.

He was still clumsy as all hell, easy to rile up any way I pleased, and sometimes too polite for his own good, but there was still something there that I wanted to strive to be or at least be somewhat like.

As if I'd ever let my air-head boss know that though.

The last time we spoke outside of a work environment had been way too close, terrifying if I'm being honest and I wasn't going to make things harder on myself by letting him know there's actually something about him that I liked. I had been doing a pretty decent job at avoiding Onodera after the incident at his place and I intended to keep it that way.

I realized I must have been internally monologuing and brooding too long because eventually a crumpled piece of paper hit my head.

"Takano, quit spacing out and get back to work." Onodera said from his desk, his special scowl that he saved just for me on his face, but his words lacked any real anger.

Usually I would have replied with some sort of snarky, sarcastic, or smart-ass comment, but I lacked the energy. Instead I gave a bored wave of my hand and a "Hai" and to my pleasure my appearance of indifference seemed to irritate him more. I smirked a bit to myself. It really was too easy.

* * *

"I'll see you tomorrow, Onodera-san." As per usual the boss was the last one working, making me feel like I was some sort of slacker for a moment.

He looked up from his work to give me a tired smile.

"Good work today, Takano."

I swallowed nervously at the sight of that, his smile still unwavering and as kind as it had been back then, even if it was tired and brief.

"But the next time you space out for as long as you did I'll throw a stapler at you instead."

And he ruined it.

"That's assault."

"So was forcing me into a kiss on your first day here."

"...Touché." A small smirk tugged at my lips as I said good night once more before leaving the Emerald department and heading to the elevator, impatiently waiting a few moments after pushing the down button more times than necessary and then climbing on board.

The elevator began to shut when a hand stopped the metal doors and another body shuffled in.

I held back my distain as I recognized the man joining me on my little ride was that 'Yokozawa' man and he seemed equally displeased to see me, not that I cared what he thought about me.

Unfortunately it seemed this elevator ride wouldn't simply be filled with tense silence.

"You're Takano Masamune." It wasn't a question but still I gave him bored confirmation, barely sparing him a glance.

"Well, you better damn well get rid of your higher-than-thou attitude for a second and listen. Stay away from Onodera."

I almost choke on my spit, not having expected the non-conversation to take this turn, but quickly regain my composure as both anger and a nonsensical wave of possession washes over me.

"And who the hell are you to tell me what to do?"

"I'm the person who got Onodera back on his feet after you hurt him! And I'm not going to let you come in and just fuck everything up again by leading him on!"

"Leading him-? I don't know what Onodera has told you about him and I, but it's obvious you don't know what the hell you're talking about-"

"You're the one that doesn't know what he's talking about. You didn't see the aftermath. You didn't see how bad he was hurting because of you!" We reach the ground floor. "So whatever it is you're playing at, quit it. Onodera is mine." With that the man steps off the elevator and makes his way towards the exit.

Like hell I'm gonna accept that bullshit.

With only a few strides I'm beside him again.

"Whatever it is you think I'm trying to do to or with Onodera, you're wrong. He's strictly my boss and I'm trying not to let our past mingle with our present, especially not at work. But if you think I'm just gonna let some jackass like you lay claim over him and walk away you're wrong."

And _then_ I decide the conversation can be over.

His eyes narrow into irritated slits, his mouth set into a hard frown. Huh, maybe that's where Onodera learned how to glare.

"Goodnight, Yokozawa-san."

* * *

After arriving at home I merely slide my shows off before making a b-line for my bedroom, flopping on to the mattress face first and deciding that sleeping in my work clothes wasn't such a bad idea.

Eventually, I managed to make myself roll on to my back, arms and legs all sprawled out.

As much as I wanted to ignore the whole encounter with Yokozawa, I couldn't.

My pulse was still beating with intense anger, irritation, worry, fear, _jealousy._

Had Onodera really missed me?

When I left for college I tried my hardest not to think of Onodera, I didn't allow myself to miss him.

Yet somehow...I couldn't help but to hope that maybe he did miss me.

The ugly part of me hoped he really was that messed up over our separation, that he really did search for me like he said he did, that maybe he stared at my name on those library cards and thought of me, that maybe my face plagued his nightmares.

But then there was Yokozawa. Apparently the person who had helped him get over that hurdle. I pictured Onodera calling him in times of distress, sobbing and Yokozawa letting his shirt be used as a tissue, Yokozawa helping Onodera rebuild his confidence and whatever else had been shattered because of our breakup.

 _Onodera is mine._

Yokozawa and Onodera kissing softly, going on dates, holding hands-had they dated before? Wait, were they dating now?

My teeth start to grind.

It's none of my business, or at least that's what I tried to tell myself.

Eventually, after much debate, I decided that I would make it my god damn business.


	14. Chapter 13

At work I was definitely in less than ideal shape. The heroine's declarations of love and the cherry blossoms were all starting to blur together as I struggled to focus. What irritated me even more was what was distracting me.

 _Onodera is mine._

Tch, get fucking real asshole!

I glanced momentarily at my boss, recalling his stapler threat yesterday and I didn't doubt he would make good on it if I didn't get my shit together. So, I took a deep breath and tried to force myself to pay attention to my work.

* * *

"Takano, would you like to join me for dinner?" My boss asked politely.

My coworkers had already filtered out one by one, leaving me alone with my first love, something that was alarmingly becoming more and more common.

"I still have work I need to finish up." It wasn't a lie and was as good as an excuse as any.

"I can wait." Onodera offered and I wanted to sigh and throw up my hands in surrender. A silence lingered between the two of us for a few moments and I could see the hope building in Onodera's figure as I didn't outright refuse.

"If you do I don't want to hear you whining if we miss the last train." I knew it wouldn't take me that long to wrap up my work, but how could I pass up an opportunity to see his face turned that familiar shade of red? Along with it contorting in both irritation and embarrassment.

"I-I never _whine_ -" an insult like 'jerk' or 'asshole' was on the tip of his tongue and yet I couldn't help but to smirk a little.

"Choose your words carefully, Onodera-san, I haven't decided whether or not I want to join you for dinner." I teased and for a split second I almost felt bad as an anxious and even slightly desperate expression surfaced until he replaced it with a stubborn frown.

"This is an order from your boss."

For a moment I let his words sink in, staring at him as he crossed his arms and looked down at his shoes.

And I couldn't help but to burst out laughing.

He looked up in alarm at the sound, his frown and blush deepening. "Oi, I'm serious-!" He started, but I merely shook my head as my laughter continued.

An order from my boss, eh?

I guess there's simply no refusing then, no matter how ridiculous the words sounded coming from my ex lover.

* * *

Onodera and I sat across from each other, eating silently as the only sound that echoed in the apartment was the clinking of our silverware. My boss didn't seem to mind, at least he didn't let on to such and usually it was pretty easy to read him and when he was feeling uncomfortable.

I, on the other hand, was in constant conflict with myself as I stared at the table.

This was my chance to ask about Yokozawa: who he was to Onodera, if they had dated, if they were currently dating.

Yet at the same time I didn't want to know the answers.

If the answer was no then he could take my questioning the wrong way, see it as a sign of wanting to get back together, a sign of jealousy.

And if the answer was yes...I had no idea what I would do if the answer was yes.

"...ano? Takano?" I realized that Onodera was calling my name, eyebrows furrowed a bit in concern.

"Ah-sorry-I was spacing." I replied.

Slowly, he nodded before speaking again. "I was asking if you read Usami Akihiko's latest book. I know..." He hesitated for a moment, "back in high school" ah, risky words, "you read his novels. I was just wondering if you still do."

"I do, but I haven't had the time to pick up a copy of his most recent book." I answered.

"Oh, well, if you'd like you can take mine."

I opened my mouth to reject, but he didn't let me.

"I can easily get another copy so it isn't that big a deal. You know, I used to actually be his editor." He said casually, laughing softly and shaking his head as if it were ridiculous.

"You're joking."

"I'm not. Before I started working in with the Emerald department I was actually at my father's publishing company. But, of course, people talked about me and my connections and I eventually got fed up with it and left to prove that I could do something on my own. Marukawa was desperate, at least when it came to Emerald, and so was I, even though at first I was completely out of my element working with manga."

"Do you miss working with literature?" I asked, realizing with a small bit of terror that I was genuinely curious.

"Sometimes." He admitted. "But...staying in this line of work...it's let me meet you again." It was almost quiet enough to miss, but his words still reached me.

"Your boyfriend probably wouldn't like you saying things like that, Onodera-san." And I immediately wanted to punch myself in the face after shutting my mouth. I had done a pretty decent job at avoiding the topic and now I had just word vomited all over the table.

His eyes widened in surprise, confusion clear in his expression. "B-Boyfriend?! I don't-who-w-what makes you think I have a b-boyfriend?"

Well, I supposed there wasn't any getting around it now.

"Yokozawa basically told me to step off the other day. No other explanation other than he's your boyfriend." I said, sounding calm despite the anger that was bubbling from the mere memory.

Onodera got that plastic smile on that I had come to recognize while working with him, the one he wore when he was being apologetic, polite, panicking, trying to diffuse a situation, trying not to inconvenience by letting others on to his true feelings. He had another thing coming if he thought I'd let him use that around me.

"Yokozawa is a friend! Just a friend! He's definitely not my b-boyfriend, this is just a misunderstanding." Despite Onodera's words, I still didn't feel assured.

"Well, you should know that his opinion is different than yours. I believe his exact words were 'Onodera is mine'." I said. He shook his head and waved his hands, worry and distress overpowering his fake smile.

"He's-he's protective is all! He...he was there for me after you left. We met during our college years...and I wasn't in the best...state at that time. But there definitely isn't anything romantic between us now!"

"Now? So there was before?" I pressed.

He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it, and closed it once more. The pain on his face was enough of an answer but I wanted to hear it.

"I...I wanted to find someone...who made me feel like you did...but all I found was booze and lousy one night stands and...and there was a point in time when Yokozawa and I did date, but I broke it off with him because the romantic feelings I hoped I would develop just never came. He and I are strictly friends now. Nothing more than that. Absolutely nothing more. I...I love you Masamune. It's always been you. It can't be anyone else."

Silence slowly squeezes between the two of us again, but it has lost its calmness and serenity. Instead it is tense, anxious, worried, waiting, longing.

"I think he might need to hear that too." I replied, before sighing. "Oh well, I guess that means I have a little less to worry about." I start to push at my food with my fork.

"Eh?"

"Well, if there _was_ something romantic between you and Yokozawa, I wouldn't be able to allow it.,

"...eh?"

"Having my boss date a coworker just lacks professionalism in a way that I can't stand for." I pause, taking a bite of my previously abandoned food and Onodera looks at me in disbelief as we both know that isn't the reason. "Plus he's a prick. You shouldn't date pricks like that."

"I dated you."

"You sure did. You have awful taste."

"I sure do."

A small smile graces his face, one that is both amused and slightly relieved and I can't help but to smile a little bit too.


	15. Chapter 14

Days blurred together as work grew more and more hectic, office hours growing longer and hours of sleep getting shorter. Yet, somehow, Onodera managed to squeeze himself in my life outside of Emerald. I found us having dinner together more often, found myself being easily persuaded to watch a movie or go to a bookstore, and the more I felt comfortable around my boss the more scared I felt.

Onodera was kind, just as kind as he was back in high school, and his smile was the same one I had so easily fallen in love with. But it was also the one that had so easily broke me. And I know if he wanted to, he could do it all over again and leave me a hollow man.

So what if our previous breakup was a misunderstanding? It hadn't hurt any less. A breakup between us now would be even worse. If I allowed my emotions to take control I wouldn't be able to stop myself from giving everything to him and that was the last thing I wanted to do.

So, I would just have to hope that somehow we could both settle on friends.

* * *

"Onodera-san must be really sick to miss work." Kisa said beside me, nodding in the direction of our boss's empty seat, a hint of worry in his tone. "He could lose an arm and a leg and he'd still drag himself here." He added.

I had definitely noticed Onodera's absence, but I had forced myself to ignore the pang of disappointment and concern. Kisa's words were not helping to quell my own worries.

"I hope he's alright." Kisa said with a final sigh before focusing back on his work and I couldn't help but to hope the same thing.

Was it really that big of a deal for Onodera to miss work? Addmitedly, he had never missed a day at the office while I've been here even though there were clearly times when he should have stayed home and gotten some extra rest. That, and Onodera's passion for his work wouldn't let a small sniffle rip him away from it.

I wondered how bad his illness must be, if he was all alone in his apartment in his weakened state. Onodera didn't seem the type to ask for help even when he needed it, far too stubborn and far too easily embarrassed to ever do such a thing.

I worked through the day normally, but every so often I casted a glance over at Onodera's lonely desk.

* * *

I stood in front of my neighbor's door, a bag of different medicines in my hand and I raised my free one to knock.

I heard footsteps slowly approach the door, followed by the sound of the door unlocking and swinging open to reveal not a sickly Onodera, but instead a scowling Yokozawa.

I could feel my stomach and jaw both clench, pulse starting to raise in anger. What the hell was he doing here? Did Onodera talk to him since I told him what happened? Clearly this man was deterred whether or not Onodera told him to lay off.

"What are you doing here?" He questioned, an accusing tone to his voice.

"I heard Onodera was sick and I brought some medicine. Do I suddenly need your permission to show concern?"

"You don't need to show any concern, I've got this taken care of. You being around would probably just stress him out."

"I can talk to him for five measly minutes, you're not his mother." I can feel myself start to scowl.

"You doing stuff like this is just going to give him hope! You're just building him up to tear him back down! So stop playing your stupid games and quit stringing him along for the hell of it!"

"I'm pretty sure we've already had this conversation before Yokozawa, but I'll repeat myself just so you can get this through your thick skull. I'm not leading Onodera on, I'm completely over what happened between Onodera and I in the past and I'm not after some kind of sick petty revenge," I wish I had heard the light, slow, footsteps slowly nearing the front door. "But I also don't have any romantic interest in Onodera either, in fact, he's the one pursuing me!" In my frustration and irritation, I didn't hear Onodera quietly ask who was at the door. "And as someone who's just trying to do his damn job its a huge pain in the ass to have both you and Onodera-san constantly on my back! So if you have a problem with the distance between Onodera and I, take it up with him, not me! In fact, I'd even be grateful if you did so! I'm sick of this whole thing between him and I!" Whether or not I meant what I said was hard to determine at this point, I just wanted this asshole to stay in his own damn lane, but I caught sight of Onodera's green eyes peeking over Yokozawa's shoulder and I knew immediately I hadn't meant a single word.

Yokozawa glanced back at Onodera's pale form, dark circles underneath those usual bright eyes. "Ritsu, you should be laying down." He said, frowning.

Onodera hugged the blanket that was around his shoulders tighter around his body. "I heard you yelling..." He explained, glancing at me briefly and despite him trying to hide it, I could see that my words had hurt him.

"Onodera-" I start, desperation quickly overshadowing my anger.

"Everything is fine, Ritsu. Takano was just dropping off some medicine for you and now he is leaving." Yokozawa took the bag, his expression daring me to argue before he shut the door.

I stood there, tempted to bang on the door and demand Yokozawa let me in and talk to Onodera properly, but I knew I would have no such luck and Onodera likely wasn't in the talking mood.

So, I went next door to my own apartment to let the guilt of my words hang over me. I opened a window, lit a cigarette and tried to think of how I'd explain that outburst to Onodera.

I had a feeling swallowing my pride and apologizing wasn't going to be easy and neither was gaining Onodera's forgiveness, but I also had a feeling that I would be going through a lot of smokes and sleepless nights until I did.


	16. Chapter 15

After Takafumi shut the door he tried to usher me back to bed, completely brushing off the bit of drama that had just happened on my own doorstep.

I hadn't talked to Takafumi about the whole 'Onodera is mine' situation as of yet, but now a talk was seeming inevitable.

It wasn't a far-fetched scenario. I could definitely imagine Takafumi making such a declaration. I was no stranger to Takafumi's slightly overbearing and protective ways, but I thought he and I were both past that brief time of romance. Besides, he was also a really good friend of mine, maybe even my best friend, and I'd much rather avoid this situation all together to prevent complicating things. I wasn't exactly the best when it came to confrontation. But after that little display it seemed things were already confrontational all on their own.

I held back a frustrated groan, sitting on my couch and ignoring Takafumi as he insisted that I go lay down. It was obvious that letting the situation blow over wasn't an option like I so wished it to be. Masamune and Takafumi were both stubborn, short-tempered men and having them work things out on their own would probably not end well.

"Can you sit for a second?" I asked him. He raised an eyebrow at me, but sighed and didn't deny my request. "We need to talk."

"Can't it wait until you're feeling better?" He replied and I shrugged a bit.

"Probably, but by then I don't think I'll have the nerve to talk about it." My scratchy voice made my ears want to curl up and my throat was protesting every word but I was determined at this point.

Takafumi merely watched me for a few moments, probably hoping I would change my mind, but he had no such luck as he gave up with a sigh.

"Alright. Let's talk."

"Uh-its-Masamune. I want to talk to you about Masamune." I managed to croak out.

He rolled his eyed and shook his head in what seemed to be disappointment. "Saw that one coming from a mile away. Since when are you on a first name basis with him?"

I feel my face flush a little and I shake my head. "That isn't the point!" I said almost too quickly.

"What's there to talk about?" He asked.

I can feel my frustrations rising as my friend feigns ignorance.

"Listen, I know how you are, you like to get all mother bear sometimes-"

"Oi-!"

"But is there more to it than just being a protective friend?" I ask before he can complain about the little nickname. "I thought...I thought we had set that part of our past aside. I told you I wanted to be friends, but _just_ friends and I thought we were on the same page. Was I wrong?"

He paused, pursing his lips and clearly considering his next response, but his silence was answer enough.

"Takano hurt you and I'm not going to let him do it again."

"You didn't answer my question." I pointed out, not that he really had to. "Besides, you don't have to worry about that! I'm not some child, I can take care of myself. I'm not as fragile as you think I am." I gave an exasperated sigh, wondering if there would ever be a day when Takafumi didn't see me as a glass waiting to be shattered. "You've done a lot for me, Takafumi, which I am eternally grateful for, but...I love Masamune. I always have. I'm sure that isn't what you want to hear, but-"

"So there's nothing I can do to change your mind? You're going to pursue this no matter how bad of an idea it is?" He asked, struggling to hide his rising emotions. I admittedly felt guilty for putting a good friend through this, for hurting him when he had done nothing but help me, but I couldn't force myself to feel the way he wanted me to.

"I am truly sorry, but-" I began apologizing, but Takafumi interrupted me before I could continue.

"You don't have to apologize, Ritsu." He said, accustomed to my frequent 'sorry's and 'please forgive me's and was probably tired of them at this point. "But what will you do if he does hurt you again? If he just...picks up everything and disappears again?"

"I'll deal with it." I answered, though my version of 'dealing with it's would probably be tracking Masamune down and clinging on to him, refusing to allow him to vanish.

"Tch, don't try to sound so tough. It doesn't suit you." His tone held a familiar hint of teasing, one that made me let out a little breath of relief.

"Shut up." I replied easily. "But...are we finally on the same page, Takafumi? You're very important to me and I don't want this to affect our friendship, but-"

"And what about what just happened?" He reminded me. "You heard him with your own ears. I don't want to burst your bubble Ritsu, but he clearly stated that he doesn't have any romantic feelings for you and just sees this whole thing as a huge pain! Why throw your all at someone who doesn't even want it?" Takafumi questioned and I frowned because I didn't have an answer.

"I...I think I can change his mind..." I offered weakly. Takafumi merely tsked.

"You're gonna get hurt that way Ritsu. Takano doesn't seem like the kind of man whose mind is easily changed."

"Well you two should just get along great then, you both have that in common." I said a little snippy like.

"Oh, really? I'm not the one pursuing a lover from ten years ago. I'd say you're more like him when it comes to stubborness." He retorted and I bit the inside of my cheeks.

He sighed, letting his head tip back to rest on the couch. "Please, just get some rest. Don't stress yourself out over this, it won't help your health." He said, his way of saying the conversation was over and somehow I could tell we still weren't eye to eye on the situation.

"Yes mother." I grumbled, standing up from the couch and starting to make my way back toward my bedroom, the bag Masamune had brought catching my eye as it sat on the floor by Takafumi's feet.

A huge pain eh?

Who brings medicine to someone they feel is a pain?

It was a little thread of hope, but it was mine.

I felt as if Masamune and I had finally gotten into something comfortable, a routine of sorts with teasing banter and casual conversation and if I was ever brave enough at times I'd try to flirt but in the end I would end up a blushing mess and back out. It felt like we had been making progress.

But, at the same time, maybe I had read everything the wrong way. Maybe it really was just because I was his boss and he didn't want to get on my bad side by completely rejecting me.

With a sigh I laid down and hugged my pillow, enjoying the coolness of it against my warm cheek and thought of what Masamune might be doing next door as I slowly drifted to sleep.

* * *

(A/N: for those of you who enjoy the yokozawa drama, dont worry, I dont _plan_ on having him completely back down yet after this little conversation)


End file.
